“I fear constantly that I will shoot myself in the head eventually like most people do if they want to kill themselves and are hearing voices- because it would be like you are finally shutting them up, for good this time.”
Thursday May 1st 2014
Another episode. This time it’s a ‘mixed episode.’ Although the ‘up’ periods are some fun- the energy, the laughter, everything is funny, I feel light-hearted and not bothered by much- they don’t last long. Something needs to be done. I am so sick of being up and down ALL THE TIME.
Today: I felt sort of normal when I woke up. I had hardly slept, however I didn’t seem to lack energy for it. I was pretty hyper later on, for quite some time, in fact the hyperactivity got stronger as the day progressed. Until we sat down to dinner and my hyper state reached its peak. And then, inevitably, soon after the others left the room I crashed. I wanted to cry so much but I couldn’t find the tears. I went into the bedroom and sat on the desk, away from Gabriel (my ex-boyfriend) on the bed and said that I just wanted to be outside. I wanted to be alone. And then? Mild mania returned, and still hasn’t left. It’s 11.30pm and I need to be up by 8.30am to leave London. How the hell I am supposed to sleep is beyond me. I cannot seem to relax or concentrate on anything, and when I feel depressed I just stare out the window for long periods of time.
This week: I don’t remember everything, although I can recall my mood changing constantly. It has been more day-to-day throughout the week, as opposed to now where it seems to change as fast as every half an hour. It’s like this thing is escalating or growing inside me. Anyway, I remember the day we went to the cinema and my thoughts were racing all day and I couldn’t for the life of me stop talking. I laughed and laughed and laughed that day. I sensed perhaps I wasn’t acting like myself but threw it aside and decided it was just a kind of happiness which I haven’t experienced in a very long time. But now… The depressive moods and sudden changes in the way I feel have led me to the recognition that I am not acting like my usual self. Further, on the ‘high’ days, or even the high moments, I have done so much work. I wrote half of my long essay in two days flat. And yet, when I am low, I have done nothing even remotely significant with my days.
Quite honestly, I don’t so much mind the up moments, of course, who would, if you’re feeling happy in that moment? The problem is that it is inevitable that I will crash, sooner or later. Yesterday when I crashed I caused an argument with Gabriel over something so stupid, pushed him to a point where he had to leave the room and then cried for at least an hour, the sort of crying where you can hardly breathe through the tears and you feel as if you are choking from sadness. And so, this is the reason I want to seek help, because I fear that, at its worst, I will end up dead, often it feels like the only way out because I simply cannot handle that amount of pain.
I am back home now and finding it impossible to relax or even sit still for more than ten minutes at a time. Physically I am totally exhausted- from lack of sleep, from traveling, from my massively racing thoughts and from coming down from all the hyperactivity over the last however long. I want to sleep but that is totally unrealistic. My eyes are heavy and my body aches, but my mind wants to run a marathon. I have tried sitting here and watching something but I keep having thoughts like ‘ooh, I must do this before I forget,’ or ‘I must fix that thing before I can do anything else’. Even writing this is madness, I cannot stop typing!!!
I ought to be grateful that I have reached a stage in my life where I have begun to recognise when I am not acting like myself (except I don’t even know what that is…), however, I am not grateful. This is because when I experience ‘manic’ highs I have fun, or at least I used to, until recently when I get that thing where I become paranoid everyone is looking at me, watching me and I am the centre of attention wherever I go. I fear constantly that I will shoot myself in the head eventually like most people do if they want to kill themselves and are hearing voices- because it would be like you are finally shutting them up, for good this time. Right in this moment I do not have a desire to die, but I am completely aware that it can change at any moment. Yet again I stood waiting for the tube the other day and could not stop contemplating at which point I would have to jump- so that it would be going fast enough- if I had a desire to take my life. I am only 24 and I can safely say that, on and off, I must have spent ten years of my life thinking about killing myself, when I have reached rock bottom. It is insane because I have everything to live for: I am about to get my degree which I have worked so hard for, for five years and through so much struggling and pain; I have a wonderful boyfriend who loves me; I have a great family; great friends; I love my dog more than anything; I am not poor… etc! But during those dark moments… it is hard to even explain. It scares the crap out of me, and I am almost certain it scares the crap out of my loved ones when I decide to tell them that I have thoughts about ending it all.
This is making very little sense considering I have been more regular with my medication lately than I ever have been. To put it another way: I have been through periods (since my diagnosis) where I have been perfectly stable and yet skipping my medication every other day. This whole thing is senseless. I have had enough.