Back in the summer, when my previous relationship came to a close, I wrote a few words in my diary summing up the reasons why it didn’t work out. Those words are as follows:
“She turns to him and says “You can’t handle me!”
And he says “I can handle you! You know why? Because I know who you really are and I love you. I’m not going anywhere.”
That would be my fairy tale ending, but mine has been quite the opposite. It went more like this:
“I can’t handle you. Your illness stops me from loving you.”
As I have mentioned in a previous post, when my now ex- boyfriend ended things with my last summer it was completely unexpected from my side. I was besotted with him and he seemed to feel the same way about me, at least on the surface. Every aspect of our relationship ran smoothly and we really loved one another, or so I thought.
Anyway, besides all of these factors, I finished my degree and immediately travelled to London to see him (I now think it was very cruel of him to invite me there just to break up with me).
Alas, on my second day there something randomly changed in him but I had to play a guessing game to get anything out of him (he was always pretty closed up, emotionally throughout the entirety of our relationship). Finally he admitted that he no longer envisioned a future with me and admitted- for various reasons- that he wanted to break up. And this is where the bipolar aspect comes in…
He proceeded to list off my character defects as follows:
Apparently I do not take my recovery from alcoholism seriously enough.
I am self-destructive in almost everything that I do.
I have threatened suicide to him multiple times during and after arguments.
Even if I make progress, I fall into anorexic episodes at least every couple of months.
My mood swings are so fast and extreme that nobody can keep up with them, including myself.
Because of the little attention I received as a child, I have become selfish and always put myself first.
Believe it or not, the list could go on but I will only depress myself, understandably.
The saddest part is that these character defects have followed me into my current relationship and have come close to destroying it a few times.
On the other hand, I truly believe I have the most supportive and tolerant boyfriend in the world who has stuck by me through all of the above. He is in fact shockingly good at looking after me. He has proved this even further by being my 24hr carer through my physical illness this last five months.
I see myself as very lucky for that.