I haven’t written anything for a while as I have had so much going on in my life (mainly in my head) that I’ve not been able to find the words to write.
I am a hypocrite.
Not so long ago I wrote a post about how terrible and dangerous anorexia forums are, but I sit here now, having just spent over an hour flicking through Thinspiration, being destroyed emotionally and physically by the anorexic voice in my head. It is slowly gnawing away at my soul, once again.
It’s not like this has come about randomly; I have gained a fair amount of weight over the past year through my medication and I knew, deep down, this would eventually happen.
This is what I always do, it feels like a part of who I am and when my world is collapsing around me I need to gain some control, so I control my calories because that way of life comes naturally.
What I didn’t anticipate was that it would come on so strong. I am obsessed by it, my every thought revolves around losing weight and I refuse to listen to any outside advice nor what lessons I should have learned.
For a week I ate just two pieces of fruit a day but I would cry after every mouthful; feeling I’d lost control and that I’m weak and a failure. Then a couple of days ago I gave in and had some salad, leading to this- so far- two day fast.
I made a shallow promise to my boyfriend that I would only fast completely for three days, but having looked at so many pictures of anorexic women, I want it so badly that I plan on going a lot longer without food.
Before I went into remission for a year, the last time this happened I went ten days without food and it was only because I felt like I was having a heart attack that I gave in and ate, or else I’m sure I would have ended up in the hospital. And of course, then I felt like a failure again.
During that time- last May- after six days without food I tried to seek help from a doctor. I told her all about what was going on then and about my long history with anorexia and she said that- because my primary diagnosis of bipolar- I am not entitled to receive any therapy.
What I really wanted was to go to rehab as I’d had enough of it all, deep down, but after that one consultation I gave up all hope.
One of the primary reasons my ex-boyfriend broke up with me was due to my continuous and uncontrollable self-destructive nature, and now my current boyfriend is freaking out and doesn’t know what he can do with me.
Of course, there is nothing he can do to help me. When I get into this mode of thinking I am the only one who can end it, and for the most part I don’t want to because I’m desperate to get thin and I want control over my life.
Yes, I am a hypocrite.