The Path Of Destruction

It has been quite some time since I posted anything, and there is good reason for that. Both my physical and mental health have gone rapidly downhill over the past month as a direct result of my eating disorder. At times I wonder if it is all worth it; worth all of this suffering just to be thin, but then I realize I cannot help myself.

Gradually my thoughts become more and more obsessive and my calorie restriction more extreme. I went through this last summer but it seems a lot worse this time.

Recently I survived 15 days on just a couple of raw carrots. I had been staying away at my parents’, alone with no one to get annoyed with me for not eating.  It seemed a lot easier there.

But since I’ve returned home I am managing only 5 days without food before caving and eating something, even if just a little. Despite the small amounts of calories, I suffer a huge amount of mental pain after consuming the food. I honestly believe it’s not worth eating anything because the pain afterwards is so unbearable.

The night before last, after not eating for several days, I ate some raw carrots. I had only intended on eating one but I was wacked on my bipolar meds and couldn’t help but eat more. It’s a bit like being stoned and getting ‘the munchies.’

And so yesterday I spent the entire day in bed, hating myself, feeling like a failure and crying. I now feel that I need to punish myself and not eat for at least a week.

Although I barely eat (on average- at the moment- one to two times a week), and despite the fact that I’ve lost over two stone in just over a month, I’m just not losing weight fast enough for my liking. Even after losing all this weight, all I see when I look in the mirror is fat. I see nothing attractive about myself. My face is pale and is looking haggard, this illness is taking its toll me and I look much older than my years.

As a consequence of all of this self-destruction, my relationship is struggling. As much as he tries, my boyfriend fails to understand why I am doing this. We are forever arguing and he doesn’t appear to have any sympathy for me, only anger and frustration. I can’t really blame him, I would be going mad with worry if the shoe was on the other foot and I would feel that I couldn’t make him happy and secure enough and therefore feel helpless and offended.

I have become a boring girlfriend. Not only am I too depressed to go out or socialize  in any manner, but I couldn’t if I wanted to; I am so weak I can barely .even make it down the stairs or to the bathroom which is right next to our room. I am far too light headed, my muscles are weak and I fall over a lot.

We are supposed to be travelling a long way to attend a wedding this time next week and I cannot help but dread it. My boyfriend’s mum will not stop going on about food: Where we will eat, how often we will eat, who will be eating with us EVERY day and so on. I am under a huge amount of pressure to act ‘normally.’ For one I am petrified about maybe having to force myself to eat for a week and then being completely miserable, but I worry more about distancing myself from everyone and hiding out in my room during meal times. The thought is just so embarrassing.

On top of all this anxiety, I am also expected to explore the area and go on ‘nice’ long walks. How will this even be possible for me?! Right now I barely leave my bed.

I long for normality.

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