The Never Ending Complications

<above is a picture of my new dalmation puppy, she and my adult dalmation keep me motivated during difficult times like these>

I could not feel more isolated, lonely, desperate and depressed right in this moment… Anorexia has now officially taken my life and my body away from me. Bar one friend, everyone hates me for this. My boyfriend hates me the most (SO much) and I think we will have to break up. He doesn’t get one bit of this, he thinks I can just snap out of it and that I’m really selfish for being this way. But all he thinks about is himself and how this problem affects him; he never bothers to think what it must be like for me, which I might add is disabling, both mentally and now physically.

Last week I was admitted to hospital through severe malnutrition and dehydration. I was so weak I thought I was going to die.

But I continue to starve. I can’t stop. It’s taken away my sanity. I didn’t even eat anything in the hospital.

Tonight and last night I wet myself due to loss of bladder muscle (as my body is eating it), and I woke up with extreme pain in my stomach. Eventually I may find that I will lose all control of it and be wetting myself in the day time, too.

They may have to facilitate me before I do anymore damage, but I am petrified they will feed me.

How long will this continue? I went an insane amount of time without food. I just can’t bring myself to eat and I fear I will starve to death. This has taken my whole life away. I’m just so lonely and afraid and I don’t know who to turn to anymore.

I started this year fresh faced, curvaceous, stable minded and grateful for life. Things are very different now.

My stay in hospital was short this time but I was advised by both consultants and psychiatrists I probably won’t be as lucky next time. If I carry on like this- which I have since admission- it will be worse next time. I risked my life but it’s still not enough to stop me from starving. The disease has taken away my whole life and now it is taking my body, too.

I have been filled via a drip with every nutrient in existence and now that’s run out I lay in my bed, once again, weak and exhausted; unable to do anything. All to be thin.

I had an ECG and they are concerned for my heart. I did not expect it to get this far. I told everyone around me that I was ‘super human’ and could function perfectly fine on weeks without any food at all; exclaiming bucket loads of coffee was enough. Apparently not. I am fallible after all.

This is how I dress, day and night: In my bed, covered in layers because I am constantly cold. My hair is falling out. I am on the strongest prescribed type of vitamin to stop that from continuing. This is the changing lifestyle of an anorexic.

It is currently 3.45am and an hour ago I was violently sick. I felt as if I was going to choke to death and it burned my throat so badly. There was no real reason for me to have been sick, I haven’t eaten anything and all that came up was diluted squash. I guess all I can put it down to is sheer weakness, especially as I was very dizzy and my heart was absolutely racing when I crossed the room and went to the bathroom right next door.

I cannot sleep, it seems impossible. Even at this time Jules has gone to make coffee because I have given up on trying to rest, let alone sleep. Although it has a lot to do with anxiety and also insane hunger, it doesn’t help that in the hospital they reduced my sedative intake (quetiapine) by 200mg. I am so used to being on the maximum dose (even though I am not prescribed that much) that any lower dose is not enough to knock me out. I cannot bare it, it has  been days since I slept at all.

I used laxatives tonight. Although I didn’t eat today, I wanted to get rid of the smoothies I had over a three day period. Still I only consume a maximum of 300 calories a day, or as low as 20 calories, but I still detest having anything in my stomach. I am so used to having a stomach like an ironing board, being so empty, and if I eat even the tiniest amount then it seems (at least to me) to stick out and I feel bloated

A couple of days ago I had made an appointment to see a GP. I’m not actually entirely sure what I was expecting from them, but in the end I was unbelievably glad I had an appointment in the afternoon. Poor man, I think it was his first day and he didn’t look much older than me. I was lucky- he was very kind and a great listener, and actually managed to talk some sense into me. I should probably add that- that afternoon- I went so low as to feel suicidal for a period of time. I had decided to ‘go crazy’ and eat this salad wrap from a café down the road from our house. It wasn’t a lot and I left some of it, but still enough to send me into a bit of a rage and feel very, very down.

I got annoyed at something which I suppose- in hindsight- was trivial, but I started giving Jules a piece of my mind. I had to get the bus to the surgery and so he walked me to the station, arguing loudly walking down the high street. As I got on the bus he told me he would be out of town, off to (yet another) festival. We barely said goodbye, things were left on an awful note between us. I cried all the way on the bus, and then I cried on my walk to the medical centre. Fortunately I had some time before my appointment to swallow my tears and calm myself down, but I was also not in a good physical state: out of breath, pale and unable to breathe properly.

By the time I was called in I was again in a state of feeling so desperately alone, misunderstood and unloved by all people bar my best friend. Everyone else is either disinterested or angry with me, like this is all my fault; no one seems to recognise that this is an illness of the mind, just like bipolar.

And so I went in there, in a bit of a state, and just blurted all my thoughts and problems out to this poor man but he kept saying ‘what is it that I can do for you?’ and I didn’t have an answer to that.

In the end he just listened which was enough in itself to help me, but he also pointed out that I shouldn’t dwell on the people who don’t love me enough, and instead focus on Emma and how she is always there for me. She had called that morning and said she would also call in the evening and so he told me to think of that phone call to get me through the rest of the evening. He was very helpful, and agreed that I need puppy therapy with our darling little Mia, and of course my adult dalmation, Ellie. Honestly I cannot wait to get out of here and see them; it’s so difficult at the moment with all these appointments coming up.

Anyway, I think that doctor may have just helped save me from total destruction that day. I have been so close to drinking lately, but I am so very proud of myself for- so far, one day at a time- getting through this awful period without picking up.

Although I have trailed off rather a lot (!) I think the main reason behind this post is to express how I worry for my life at present. I’m experiencing so many physical complications now and yet that is still not enough to stop me continuing down this path of destruction. I fantasized about food all night when I couldn’t sleep- my god I wish I could be normal and eat it- but I know I cannot and will not allow myself to indulge, at least not for a long time.

PLEASE- women and men alike- don’t fall into this dreadful trap as I did, hold onto and cherish your life and healthy body as sometimes there is no going back once you’re in.


7 Comments on "The Never Ending Complications"

  1. Gutted to read this. Whatever you do not drink booze. If this is crazy now just imagine what that would be like, drunk! Horrid beyond words.
    Not sure what to say. As I know that you do not like yourself at the moment. But try, to find some hope. In your mind find something, somewhere that you have to cling onto, you have done it before and come out the other side. You can do it again.

    Watch comedy. Larry David may make you smile !
    Sounds like your dogs will help, surround yourself with your dogs, they can heal the horrible wounds of life.
    living is much better than death.
    Gutted again to read this.

  2. Thank you for your kind words, especially as I believe I know you too, as much as you know me, and so I am all the more grateful.

    You are right: The best type of therapy for me is to be around animals, most pertinently my gorgeous dogs, Ellie and Mia.

    However for now I am stuck where I am, geographically due to medical appointments, so I can’t get home to be with them just yet. And sadly my puppy is growing fast!

    You are also entirely correct about the evil that is alcohol. Deep down and rationally I know that- as you say- picking up a drink will only enhance my current problems. I do have faith in myself; I have come so far already through all this crap and not had a relapse so there is no reason why I should not be able to go on, sober.

    ‘Living is better than death,’ yes. I am so terribly afraid of dying right now, through complications brought on by this eating disorder. I am waiting to hear if this centre will take me in as an in-patient. I fear this is the only way and the last resort to fix me, for good. I will be devastated if they say no and I think that will be the final straw, and so I am afraid of that, too.

    Thanks again for your comment. Thanks for caring.

  3. its not unusual that you identify with your problems because thats what most humans do, identify. The total opposite of what animals do, they dis-identify. Which as the years tick by, I find every so amazing.
    Even when an animal has some sort of discomfort, they are able to run around and have relief and ‘forget’. They can teach us humans so much, and most humans consistently feel ,act and think in superior ways to animals. being ever more complacent about the greatness of them, and how they in many areas are superior to humans. They have this right, for its not them that has caused suffering to humans. But humans to them.And so the odd merry go round keeps spinning. Until all are free,

    Most humans (including me) identify with problems/mind/pain/issues. You are just very perseptive and verbalise yours more, this doesn’t mean that others are not thinking about there problems and issues. So don’t think you are different, or somewhat selfish or self centred. On the contrary, you have so much love to give.
    It just is this way currently for you. Its like a cycle. A horrible cycle. You don’t like yourself at the moment. I hope this changes. So so much. You do not deserve any more years or hospital visits. You have had enough.
    I hope so much too that you say to yourself one day ‘’ lve fucking had enough ‘’ , and a shift within you takes place, as it has done for you and others in the past.

    Yes i do know you very well and you do me too! and this is makes it even more difficult to read about your pain, as i sense what your feeling and thinking about yourself. and know only too well the anguish, sleepless nights and relentless mental torture you give yourself. which I hope quickly ceases. and you are free….

    This current state your in, does not mean ‘this is it’ this is your destiny. To suffer continuously.
    when you talk about the ‘damsel in distress’ it makes sense, but, most people are like this. try to give yourself less of a hard time ( although right now reading this your probably giving yourself a hard time )
    most people show their ‘good’ side when meeting people, or their ‘manager’ for the first time. Its not just you.

    you are both blessed ( and cursed) that you have such wisdom and a deep understanding & perception of who you are, and what makes you tick. Reading your blog, although painful, sad and upsetting, it shows how much you have grown, and how much insight and understanding of yourself you have. Even while your there every day, smoking, drinking coffee your awareness and all the work sub consciously its doing its work.

    All the stuff you have managed to write on your blog, most people would not have a clue how to verbalise, they may muster a few paragraphs. Your lack of ego, and growth is wonderful. If anything hang on to your amazing self-awareness and self-understanding.
    some people live decades without working all this out. they may look ‘ together ‘ and ‘sorted’ – imagine if you could open the inside of peoples minds, you would find a mangled lot. Most people are muddled. Who out ‘here’ is ‘together’? how could they be. Its westernisation, and capitalism at its worse. society is damaged. and perhaps going to one day self destruct. it seems to already be imploding.

    How could one of your kind, who so understands animals, who so cannot relate to this mad world, how the world treats animals, how could you ‘fit’ and remain ‘together’ amongst the darkness.
    surely most ARs/Animal activists/enviromentalists/anti-capitalists have ‘stuff’. In no way am i attempting to diminish your current issues! and your pain and anguish.

    how can us all travel on this journey of life and not be affected. Those that appear to be ‘together’ those that maybe are ‘together’ and ‘content’ cause the most suffering to animals and humans perhaps….they are so detached. and able to remain unpolluted and untroubled by the world, due to their own demons and darkness.

    Loads of people drink take drugs get stoned, they have this temporary ‘relief’ if thats what they call it. It is temporary, and fake and an illusion. a ‘magician’ suddenly appears while they are drunk and stoned, makes them feel act think and be different, the magician leaves , there troubles return……

    fill up your time with comedy. larry david frankie boyle or whatever your now into.
    keep doing small things for you, nice things even when you don’t want to, which is probably often. buy something, visit nice places,or a place where your eyes are busy . if they are busy your mind will think. also, see some nice things, the sea, the woods, listen to animals make noise amongst the trees and the wind. be close to the earth and animals……maybe all this will help. i hope so!
    Philospher you. Bright woman. wonderful woman and carer of animals.

  4. did the centre take you in?

  5. hello. are you alright / doing ok?

  6. please do,people do care and worryabout youwhen they do not hear.. when you leave it so long between posts, especially when you have been so unwell.
    anyway sorry to moan.

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