<above is a picture of my new dalmation puppy, she and my adult dalmation keep me motivated during difficult times like these>
I could not feel more isolated, lonely, desperate and depressed right in this moment… Anorexia has now officially taken my life and my body away from me. Bar one friend, everyone hates me for this. My boyfriend hates me the most (SO much) and I think we will have to break up. He doesn’t get one bit of this, he thinks I can just snap out of it and that I’m really selfish for being this way. But all he thinks about is himself and how this problem affects him; he never bothers to think what it must be like for me, which I might add is disabling, both mentally and now physically.
Last week I was admitted to hospital through severe malnutrition and dehydration. I was so weak I thought I was going to die.
But I continue to starve. I can’t stop. It’s taken away my sanity. I didn’t even eat anything in the hospital.
Tonight and last night I wet myself due to loss of bladder muscle (as my body is eating it), and I woke up with extreme pain in my stomach. Eventually I may find that I will lose all control of it and be wetting myself in the day time, too.
They may have to facilitate me before I do anymore damage, but I am petrified they will feed me.
How long will this continue? I went an insane amount of time without food. I just can’t bring myself to eat and I fear I will starve to death. This has taken my whole life away. I’m just so lonely and afraid and I don’t know who to turn to anymore.
I started this year fresh faced, curvaceous, stable minded and grateful for life. Things are very different now.
My stay in hospital was short this time but I was advised by both consultants and psychiatrists I probably won’t be as lucky next time. If I carry on like this- which I have since admission- it will be worse next time. I risked my life but it’s still not enough to stop me from starving. The disease has taken away my whole life and now it is taking my body, too.
I have been filled via a drip with every nutrient in existence and now that’s run out I lay in my bed, once again, weak and exhausted; unable to do anything. All to be thin.
I had an ECG and they are concerned for my heart. I did not expect it to get this far. I told everyone around me that I was ‘super human’ and could function perfectly fine on weeks without any food at all; exclaiming bucket loads of coffee was enough. Apparently not. I am fallible after all.
This is how I dress, day and night: In my bed, covered in layers because I am constantly cold. My hair is falling out. I am on the strongest prescribed type of vitamin to stop that from continuing. This is the changing lifestyle of an anorexic.
It is currently 3.45am and an hour ago I was violently sick. I felt as if I was going to choke to death and it burned my throat so badly. There was no real reason for me to have been sick, I haven’t eaten anything and all that came up was diluted squash. I guess all I can put it down to is sheer weakness, especially as I was very dizzy and my heart was absolutely racing when I crossed the room and went to the bathroom right next door.
I cannot sleep, it seems impossible. Even at this time Jules has gone to make coffee because I have given up on trying to rest, let alone sleep. Although it has a lot to do with anxiety and also insane hunger, it doesn’t help that in the hospital they reduced my sedative intake (quetiapine) by 200mg. I am so used to being on the maximum dose (even though I am not prescribed that much) that any lower dose is not enough to knock me out. I cannot bare it, it has been days since I slept at all.
I used laxatives tonight. Although I didn’t eat today, I wanted to get rid of the smoothies I had over a three day period. Still I only consume a maximum of 300 calories a day, or as low as 20 calories, but I still detest having anything in my stomach. I am so used to having a stomach like an ironing board, being so empty, and if I eat even the tiniest amount then it seems (at least to me) to stick out and I feel bloated
A couple of days ago I had made an appointment to see a GP. I’m not actually entirely sure what I was expecting from them, but in the end I was unbelievably glad I had an appointment in the afternoon. Poor man, I think it was his first day and he didn’t look much older than me. I was lucky- he was very kind and a great listener, and actually managed to talk some sense into me. I should probably add that- that afternoon- I went so low as to feel suicidal for a period of time. I had decided to ‘go crazy’ and eat this salad wrap from a café down the road from our house. It wasn’t a lot and I left some of it, but still enough to send me into a bit of a rage and feel very, very down.
I got annoyed at something which I suppose- in hindsight- was trivial, but I started giving Jules a piece of my mind. I had to get the bus to the surgery and so he walked me to the station, arguing loudly walking down the high street. As I got on the bus he told me he would be out of town, off to (yet another) festival. We barely said goodbye, things were left on an awful note between us. I cried all the way on the bus, and then I cried on my walk to the medical centre. Fortunately I had some time before my appointment to swallow my tears and calm myself down, but I was also not in a good physical state: out of breath, pale and unable to breathe properly.
By the time I was called in I was again in a state of feeling so desperately alone, misunderstood and unloved by all people bar my best friend. Everyone else is either disinterested or angry with me, like this is all my fault; no one seems to recognise that this is an illness of the mind, just like bipolar.
And so I went in there, in a bit of a state, and just blurted all my thoughts and problems out to this poor man but he kept saying ‘what is it that I can do for you?’ and I didn’t have an answer to that.
In the end he just listened which was enough in itself to help me, but he also pointed out that I shouldn’t dwell on the people who don’t love me enough, and instead focus on Emma and how she is always there for me. She had called that morning and said she would also call in the evening and so he told me to think of that phone call to get me through the rest of the evening. He was very helpful, and agreed that I need puppy therapy with our darling little Mia, and of course my adult dalmation, Ellie. Honestly I cannot wait to get out of here and see them; it’s so difficult at the moment with all these appointments coming up.
Anyway, I think that doctor may have just helped save me from total destruction that day. I have been so close to drinking lately, but I am so very proud of myself for- so far, one day at a time- getting through this awful period without picking up.
Although I have trailed off rather a lot (!) I think the main reason behind this post is to express how I worry for my life at present. I’m experiencing so many physical complications now and yet that is still not enough to stop me continuing down this path of destruction. I fantasized about food all night when I couldn’t sleep- my god I wish I could be normal and eat it- but I know I cannot and will not allow myself to indulge, at least not for a long time.
PLEASE- women and men alike- don’t fall into this dreadful trap as I did, hold onto and cherish your life and healthy body as sometimes there is no going back once you’re in.