Hope

Somebody said to me today ‘you’ve changed,’ without giving any real explanation for it. I took my dogs to the beach and I thought about this. I realised this person is right- I have changed a great deal lately. I have changed and developed, spiritually, psychologically and socially, into the best version of myself that I have ever been, and I went back to said person and I exclaimed that I am very proud of this fact, and I am proud to be this person I am now.

I feel like I have had to crawl and enter, re-enter, and drag myself from the depths of hell itself in order to get to where I am now and to have gained the outlook that I have on life today, but I have emerged the other end a strong and incredibly grateful human being.

I must have walked fifty miles over the past few days, and it has been so wonderful and freeing to be able to do so. Before last October, for more than twelve months I was totally bedridden with anorexia and an added unexplained health condition. I had no social life, my relationship was falling apart because I was a burden on my partner and I could barely even make it to the toilet without having to be carried. I actually gave up on ever getting better, and in truth I prepared myself for death. But now? I live on a breathtakingly beautiful island with my gorgeous dogs and over the past couple of months my social life has been thriving and full of the most amazing people who accept me for who I am. I never expected to be going out and having fun; laughing and smiling almost every day of the week, not ever again.

I have started to ask for things; to ask the universe for what I need and to literally ask other people for things, such as their presence and time. And it really works if you start to have faith that good things do happen.

It is a very recent occurrence, but no matter how people or the world treats me, I make it my mission to be as kind and harmless as I can possibly be. People crap on me from a great height, far too often, but I have had enough drama and confrontation for one lifetime, so I am only kind and forgiving in return. I cannot tell you how good it feels not to believe in revenge or making others suffer for the sake of it.

I am not denying that I have my bad days, or bad weeks or months or even years, anyone who reads my blog knows that. But going through pain and struggling with things and with yourself, it causes one to do a lot of soul searching, and suddenly I have found something to believe in, and suddenly I believe in me. I have started to believe that- after so many years of being cynical- there is some sort of a plan for me, and that perhaps good people really do suffer for a reason. I have decided that, too, that in fact I am a good person, and I only ever mean well.

The night before last I came back home late from a party (it feels so good to say that!) I was in a bit of an odd mood (although not a bad one) due to missing my medication and not going to bed at all the day before. I had also had to face a situation that night that wasn’t really in my comfort zone. Anyway, for the first time in my life, I randomly decided to stand in front of the mirror, naked, and really take a hard look at myself. At all of me, my perfections and my imperfections, and all of the parts I normally hate about myself and my body. I forced myself to look myself straight in the eye and say ‘I love you’ and ‘you are beautiful.’

That was one of the most difficult things I have ever done.

But for the first time in I don’t know how many years or decades, I believed it. For once the voices that normally say ‘you are fat and disgusting’ or ‘you are a terrible person’ all went quiet and ‘Michaela’ was able to overrule them and see the beauty in my own body and mind. I actually really looked at my facial features and my non-anorexic looking figure and I thought ‘you are actually beautiful and men that treat you badly are idiots.’

It is not my medication that will fix me or your medication that will fix you: It’s our belief in ourselves and self-love, although it is hard to achieve. Yes, my medication takes the edge off of my episodes and my depressions and it probably prevents me from going over the edge, but recently it has been my motivation and my own will power to achieve the mood that I am in today, and it makes me realise that I am quite indestructible.

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