My therapist has stopped talking to me and I feel completely out of control today.
I feel abandoned and it is making me act out even more. I am starving myself, taking weight-loss pills and so on.
His theory seems to be that perhaps I will feel motivated to eat and stop being self-destructive if it means we can continue with therapy. He also says that it is impossible for him to conduct therapy with me while my brain is dead from lack of calories, which is completely fair enough. However it seems to be making me worse instead of better and I need therapy more than ever at the moment, so I don’t know how I’m going to cope. It will be a long time until he agrees to see me again if I carry on in this way.
I was referred to my local mental health team by my doctor a few days ago (my current psychotherapist is in Greece and we have Skype sessions). The team called me first thing in the morning before I had even had a chance to wake up properly. The phone assessment was pretty bad. I was being asked questions about my symptoms and why I think my current diagnosis is correct and I simply could not think straight or recall episodes and behaviours. The man on the phone informed me that no one here is trained to give me the type of therapy that I need for my particular illnesses and I will have to accept ‘intensive cognitive behavioural therapy’ instead. I have had CBT in the past and it really did me no good. Additionally, I would have to go to the hospital for this therapy which would mean three hours on the bus each and every time and a very expensive ticket.
I have not contacted my doctor yet to discuss this because, frankly, I do not want another therapist full stop. Despite the fact that I am missing out on therapy at the moment and we are unable to meet face-to-face, I have a great relationship with my psychotherapist and I feel safe within our framework. It has helped me a great deal since we began our sessions last year. In fact I have never had a relationship like that with any other psychiatrist or therapist. Thus; it is incredibly difficult for me to accept that I am going to have to change therapists and a real shame that we cannot talk at the moment.
In one way it is my choice to continue down this path of self-destruction. On the other hand, it does not feel like a choice when I have this anorexic voice in my head, telling me what to do twenty-four hours a day. I am in a largely transitional period in my life at the moment and I think that is contributing to me trying to control my life by not eating.
I have now left Greece permanently and I am living back in England. I have found myself a small flat which I will be moving in to in January and I have never lived alone before. I am excited about it but also anxious about getting lonely or becoming worse with my eating patterns because there will be no one around to keep an eye on me.
The consequences constantly build up when I restrict and starve. I now have a vitamin B12 and folic acid deficiency and I have begun a course of injections. I know that they will help me and I am very grateful for the diagnosis, however it is extremely worrying that I continue to suffer with adverse health problems due to my eating disorder.
Perhaps I should have stayed in rehab.